All of my life I have felt like I see things differently. Not physical vision, but world views… understanding… When I think more about it though… I realize I am fairly normal… at least some of the time. I struggle with self esteem, daydream about far away places, talk too loud, run too fast and laugh about silly things.
I am human.
Lately I’ve dreamed of quet and peaceful country roads, tall green trees, and a figrue I can’t place. My had is dizzy with the thought… it’s familiar in a distant way. I think it’s from my childhood.
The figure is what really gets my attention. Sometimes the figure is a handsome man, a romantic interest. Sometimes the figure is Jesus Christ himself.
Yes, Jesus.
I think what is happening is quite simple. No need for Freud this time. It’s a battle in my mind (and maybe heart) between Jesus and boys. You see, to prove that I’m normal once again, I struggle with feelings of want for a good guy. Someone to hold me and love me. I would never let the world in on this thought though– not ever. So I wear a mask that I’m a rough and tough girl who just doesn’t fall in love. I try not to let anyone know that I want someone to sit next to me and hold my hand.
But the truth is that I do want it. I love the attention in a way. Someone giving me their coat so I’m not cold, to sit with me and enjoy the stars, someone to lean on in this tilted world.
What I don’t seem to remember is that God gives me that and at a royal level. Though the relationship isn’t exactly romantic– it’s far more lasting and potent. God won’t just give me a coat, He has given me the stars and sky as a blanket. He can give the most perfect hugs that fill your heart. He gave His only Son.. on e who was completely blameless– all for me. He will never leave me, and never has. He won’t cheat. He won’t even complain. He won’t say something to your face, then go behind your back.
He will love you, and me, completely. In spite of all our flaws and follies, our darkest secrets and deepest sins.
He loves.
That love is worth waiting on, being patient until the right moment. That love is pure and will only break a heart with happiness. That love will make any grief from false love easier to handle and quicker to heal. You might wonder why you feel as though God has left you…
He hasn’t. He knows you’re strong and knows this trial is what it will take for you to lean on Him. God loves you– that I swear.
I started my life knowing nothing of Him. When I was at my lowest though he found me and showed me pure, divine love. My life changed. I went from a spiral of sin, depression and hate to a joyful, excited, loving person. Even though I didn’t know His name, He loved me enough to save my life.
Because He loves us so.
